His vice is a peculiar coffee made from weasel vomit, an affectation presumably picked up when he was receiving his training from the sacred Green Oval Monks up on a sacred mountain somewhere in the Midlands.
Close...it is from the poo of the Asian Palm Civet, known as Kopi Luwak....the Green Oval Monks on said Sacred Mountain (very tough to conquer in Solihull, it was a tree stump in Meighs wood just to the north of the town of Meriden - Officially the highest point in Solihull) they only drink Black Ivory Coffee which is from the poo of Elephants.
I never attended the greatness required to drink Black Ivory as I was unwilling to attend and be subjected to their final initiation process which is reminiscent of the Sambia Tribe in Papa New Guinea....
Initiation for the Green Oval Greatness begins at the age of seven, when boys are removed from all other makes of car. They are placed in a special house in which they subsist with other people seeking greatness for the next ten years. During the first stage the uninitiated boy’s skin is pierced as a way of discarding any external contamination from other vehicles. The boys are required to engage in heavy nose-bleeding to cleanse their blood of all other cars. They are also forced to consume sugarcane to stimulate vomiting and defecation, as a way of internally cleansing their body of the thought and desire for other marques. Once the boys are cleared from any contamination, they are required to ingest semen, which is considered vital to ignite masculine growth and strength to be able to undo crank Pulley bolts on 200Tdi engines and rusted bolts holding on P38 rear bumpers.
Throughout the initiation process, the youths are informed of the impurities that other vehicles that are not Green Oval can bring and how harmful they might be to them. In the next stage, the fifth-stage initiation, the youths are taught purification techniques. Once they have bought their first Green Oval, men must purify themselves of any contamination that might have been brought upon them by coming into contact with people who do not drive a Green Oval. To do so they engage in heavy nose-bleeding brought up upon themselves following each time they come into contact, talk or even look at other vehicle marques or those that own them.
Near the end of the third initiation, they are taken to the forest, just north of Solihull, opposite Lode Lane , where they are pointed towards a structure facing a tree. They are told to remove a pubic hair and hand it to one of the monks who then places the hairs into the trunk of an Oak tree. They are then told a story about The Green Oval and everything it signifies. During this lesson they are forewarned that they are not to be promiscuous during their driving career and wonder off to other makes or worse, lesser 4x4's (the highest treason is to actually like or own an Evoque) otherwise they will be killed.
I an Green Oval to the core, but I ain't into pulling out me pubes and I have a soft spot for a big Bimmer (7'er E38s inparticular) so after I was taught all I could be under Green Oval law, I was asked to leave before the final initiation.
