HOW TO READ a HAYNES manual.

Haynes, Rotate clockwise slowly.
Translation, clamp with mole grip and heave.
Haynes, This is a snug fit.
Translation, clamp with mole grip and hit with hammer.
Haynes, This will be tight.
Translation, Clamp with mole grip and hit with bigger hammer.
Haynes, This fixing will be very firm.
Translation, Get out the plus gas and the flame thrower, clamp with mole grip and beat with hammer.
Haynes, Retain small spring.
Translation, Ping, where the hell did that go ?
Haynes, Weekly checks
Translation, If its not broke don't fix it.
Haynes, Routine maintenance.
Translation. It may not be broke but it is about to be.
Haynes, If not you can fabricate your own special tool.
Translation, Yea right.
Haynes, Compress.
Translation, Squeeze like hell then look for mole grip and hammer.
Haynes, Carefully ----
Translation, get the fist aid kit out.
Haynes, Axle retaining nut.
Translation, Big blob of rust.
Haynes, Get an assistant.
Translation, Prepare to be humiliated.
Haynes, Refitting is the reverse,
Translation, Dam I forgot how it came apart in the first place.
Haynes, Prize away locating pegs.
Translation, Snap off.
Haynes, Use a suitable drift.
Translation, Six inch nail and beat with hammer.
Haynes, Apply moderate heat and tap until free
Translation, Get out the flame thrower, clamp with mole grip, with large hammer beat the crap out of it.
Haynes, Index.
Translation, Something you may waste your life away looking through and never find what you want.

Add; difficulty rating in spanners - the number of knuckles you will skin when you undo this nut. And it will be one higher than the number of plasters in the first aid kit.

When i was a kid into motorbikes, the haynes was the first thing I bought, and it used to show you how to make special tools etc, then they started to say specialist work take to dealers, and I stopped buying them.
The internet must have just about killed them off? people buying new shti they cant afford on pcp so no need to repair old cars etc?

As soon as I got any car I bought a Haynes. How times have changed. I do agree in most cases it helps not a jot

They always omit the part where a gremlin with a switchblade knife get you while sorting out blind areas of the car.

Refit is reverse of removal only works when there's no bits missing and put together properly in the first place. A number of times I've stripped something down to see what's broke, got the new bit a week later and thought, where the frig did this go!? And the new bit is nothing like the old bit because it's not worn/broken

brilliant

I think your avatar video is great. Good old Monty Python.

tottot said:

I think your avatar video is great. Good old Monty Python.

Click to expand...

+1

I used to get a haynes if i was planning something like a head gasket just for torque figures (pre-internet days)

Haynes sucks only because they don’t make a Disco 2 V8 manual.
The RAVE manual is better anyway.

lynall said:

When i was a kid into motorbikes, the haynes was the first thing I bought, and it used to show you how to make special tools etc, then they started to say specialist work take to dealers, and I stopped buying them.
The internet must have just about killed them off? people buying new shti they cant afford on pcp so no need to repair old cars etc?

Click to expand...

True.
Used to use Haynes to help me strip and rebuild gearboxes and back axles.
now they patronise you, waste your money and say "take it to a garage". FFS, that's exactly why I buy a manual, to avoid garages!

I think I've bought a Haynes for every car I've ever had. Where possible I have also bought a proper workshop manual. I like the Haynes for the photo's and the ease of finding torque values and that they are small enough to carry in the vehicle. What I don't like is that the thing I want explained always seems to be missing, but I manage.

Not really a Haynes fan..

The torque specs in some of their manuals are plain wrong, and the pictures even in their recent manuals look to have been taken with an old Leica!

So all pics are fuzzy..

Even with the online versions!!

The paper is almost always a poor quality very porous yellow stuff that seems to get dirty and smudged even with moderately clean hands!!

Bottom shelf of one of my bookcases is just Haynes manuals from previous cars.

I lost faith in Haynes manuals when I needed to change a steering rack gaiter on a van and the manual advised replacing the whole rack!!! £8 versus a few hundred and the labour.

On the plus side, the manuals for my old Range Rover and Discovery more or less cover my 110.

Agreed, they are not what they were, I've had some now say "take it to a dealer..."
And always rotate the manual in case the picture has been printed upside down!

frog hopper said:

I think I've bought a Haynes for every car I've ever had. Where possible I have also bought a proper workshop manual. I like the Haynes for the photo's and the ease of finding torque values and that they are small enough to carry in the vehicle. What I don't like is that the thing I want explained always seems to be missing, but I manage.

Click to expand...

I looked at an old Haynes the other day, the standard of photography was so much better, and there is no reason for it not to be as good nowadays. Plus the proliferation of exploded diagrams, which just aren't there now. I have heard they are expensive to get done, but surely with pooters they ought to be easy enough?
Anyway, tis a shame.

I love the way they say ‘disassemble as per section 3’

invaribly section 3, or whatever, is a days work in itself

Judging from the comments above it would appear I only have the old ones.
There again the most modern car I have ever owned is my 1991 200Tdi 90.



I don't do modern, except my camping car and that would go to the local mechanic for anything serious.