The Official Joke Thread

[slob]

what has an iq of 144
a gross of people that tell really old jokes

[Gareth Coe]

Originally Posted by tigapiglet

I Work For Landrover And Get FED Up With People Keep Asking About The Disco 3 And Saying Well It Looks A Bit Ugly, I Had To Bite My Tongue As My Reply Was Going To Be "its A Bit Like Your Wife Sir A Good Ride But Not Much To Look At" I Still Have A Job But I Also Have 3 Kids And A MortgageSO SAID I SUPPOSE YOUR RIGHT.

That reminds me of a joke doing the rounds in the Vintage Japanese Motorcycle Club recently (yeah, I'm a member there too) which went something like: Q Why are mopeds like fat girls?
A They're fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your mates to find out

Send your complaints to....

[Grippa]

This amused me:

A military advisor rushed into George Bush's office & said "Sir, three Brazillian soldiers have been killed in Iraq.

George Bush says "My God, that's terrible"..........he then turns to the aide stood next to him and asks "how many's a Brazillion?"

[retsgom]

Pmsl!!!!!!:d :d :d :d :d

[scott110]

Ok, i received this Irish joke from my aunt today:

Two men walk into a pet shop in Co Galway

They head to the bird section, and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Connor's Pass.

At Connor's Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Damn dat. Dis budgie jumping is too bloody dangerous for me!"


THERE'S MORE


Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor's Pass. He's been to the pet shop too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff, carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy.. Watch dis" Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down, until he hits the bottom, and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"


..... IT'S NOT OVER YET


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends, when Sean O'Driscoll appears.

He's also been to the pet shop, and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean O'Driscoll then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down, until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head in disbelief,

"Damn dat, lads. Dese adventure sports are too dangerous for me....

first dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping....

den Seamus parrotshooting.....

and now Sean and his bloody hen gliding!"

[Gareth Coe]

St Peter is on gate duty...
“Next”
Mortal #1 steps up.
“What car did you drive on Earth?” asks SP
“Pajero” answers the mortal.
“Down to hell for you, fella-me-lad” says Pete
Mortal #2 comes forward
“What did you drive on Earth, then?” asks the big P
“A Landcruiser, Sir” replies the slightly worried dead’un
“Going down” chuckles Petie-Boy
The 3rd man steps gingerly forwards
“So,” asks St Peter “What sort of car did you drive?”
“Er, a Land Rover” comes the shaky reply
“Welcome to Heaven, my good man.” says Pete
The LR driver is slightly confused: “I thought I was in trouble there. What gives?”
St Peter smiled and said: “You’ve already been through Hell”

[fishface220]

True! Too True!

Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"

"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?"
"Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!"

The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.

How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the hatch.

How can you identify an Irish pirate?
He's the one with patches over both eyes.

[Fired-up]

One That Tickled me at work the other day!

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,
but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis who women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story:
Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Jim

[Fired-up]

Sorry Chaps

dont know what happened there!

get out the glasses..lol

[xuxy]

Go on, lets hear it - im a not so easily offended newbie!